I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
