We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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