Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
