Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
