I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
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this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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