if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
