dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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