shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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