Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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