Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
