I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
