Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you had me at cake vodka
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
