I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
