rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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