apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
