can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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