dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
