Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
