Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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