I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
