You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
