youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
