I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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