I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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