I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
