Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Randomize
