took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
