I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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