the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
