Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
