So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
