Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
