Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
