I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
