Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
