why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
