there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
