I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
