So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
