I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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