sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
