he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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