NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
