I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
