I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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