I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Holy shit dude........stairs
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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