So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
