What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
