I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
