My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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