maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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