i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
