Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
