his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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