If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
