We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
