My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
