Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
