my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You did what with his pubic hair?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
