I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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